I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
