now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
smell my finger.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
