You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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