my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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