she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
