it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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