grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
