come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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