Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
