why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
