Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out