No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
