Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
