Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
