Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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