I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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