Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
