We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
