dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
