There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
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he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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