are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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