i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
