I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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