My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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