I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
