Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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