2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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