The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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