I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
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Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
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Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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