I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
