I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
