You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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