he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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