dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
