Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
