How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
