Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
