He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
