If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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