So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
