Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
