she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
