I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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