Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
