My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
