dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
