Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
this will be a night to untag.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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