He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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