everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
