waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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