Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I could fuck to npr.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
