i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just found a bag of teeth...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
