woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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