You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
