I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
