I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
