I hate all girls vehemently.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
