so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
