A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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