Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
