I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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